Why did the narcissist BREAK UP with you?

Let’s just address a very basic question: Why do narcissists dump us? I’m going to get right to the point.

Number 1: They leave us because they discovered new supply.

And the most frequent cause, hands down, is that they discovered new supply, and they secured it. The overlapping cause that takes place so frequently in narcissistic relationships is that they really do want to spend time with the new supply, have an affair, I guess, to get it done. New supply is difficult because once they select the new supply, it is all about the numerous things that make a supply, and supply varies with each narcissist.

The most prevalent types of supply are money, social standing, social networks, lifestyle, authority, sexuality, youth, physical attractiveness, admiration, submission such as a man who just always submits to them and some of them can be stronger than others on a given narcissistic individual.

I’ve known narcissists who are simply addicted to status, so of course they completely adore having a boyfriend or girlfriend who has completely scandalous family and a highly elevated standard of living. I’ve known narcissists who merely need a doormat, and so they may pick a person who merely tends to go along entirely.

For instance, one leaves a long-term committed relationship a narcissist leaves a long-term committed relationship when they acquire someone who they are certain that they can manage because the new individual has no money or has no social status or power and never demands a need being fulfilled, for whatever reason this person has for needing novelty.

There is a place where it’s not feasible to hold two sources of supply, and therefore the narcissistic individual will have to make a choice. And this has nothing to do with you and whether you are enough or not; it is about supply. And you, as a human being, are larger than supply, but narcissistic individuals are restricted and they only perceive individuals in that manner.

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Number 2: Novelty seeking.

And this could happen if the relationship is quite new, say less than five years. Narcissists don’t have the ability to be intimate and are extremely YOLO- and FOMO-driven.

And thus, not only is the stability and depth needed in a healthy relationship not forcing them to do otherwise, but they like to keep their powder dry for whatever new something, new someone, or new experience is coming along.

And so they will discard you so that they can have that freedom and fluidity, so that they can be in their ever-adolescent or back to that other one, because new supply has been discovered.

Number 3: Narcissists are unremittingly remorseless, but they are not.

They do recognize when they’ve been bad and rather than take responsibility, they’re going to attack other people. But what that might look like is that in a relationship, they actually kind of know, in some way, that they’re not good people.

Yes, I recognize that you don’t think so, but they do. And the issue is that they’re not connected to that in a take-responsibility manner, but more in an “I’m going to be angry at you for making me have to bring this shame” sort of way. And what that is, is that at some point or sooner, if they just continue being an a-hole in the relationship, they’re gonna break up with you because, unintentionally, your presence is a reminder of shame about something, and that makes them feel icky.

You’re wondering why they just won’t communicate with you. They won’t because that takes responsibility, and that isn’t happening. You ask yourself why they wouldn’t simply stop the behavior. They wouldn’t because they don’t care to do so. So, it’s simpler for them sometimes to just quit.

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Number 4: Always compromising on all their demands.

They might leave you because, either early on and God bless you if you quit doing this sooner and more and more and as you get into therapy and recover from narcissistic abuse and decide to take yourself back, you stand up for yourself, and you don’t collapse and give in on the things they want you to do.

Consider a classic gaslighting tactic when they threaten to split up and say something like, “Oh, I guess you aren’t that serious about the relationship,” and you essentially call them out on it, or you just happily continue to bicker and stick up for yourself.

At some point, they just label you difficult, and then they go outside and find new supply who do it the way that they prefer. And, as an aside, if that’s how they left you, congratulations to you.

Number 5: Death.

Narcissists themselves believe they are never going to die or age, or some of them now think they’re going to live until 180 years old. So, as they get older and they do and they get wrinkles and bald, and lose their s*e*x response and experience aches and pains and all of it, gaining back youth could be about turning their life on its head, at least in middle age.

Middle age is interesting, isn’t it? Older, but not older. But by the time they reach midlife, individuals are still very much at the peak of a career and possess the funds and status they can afford for a younger mate. So, they continue the affair with the younger mate that destroys the existing relationship, or the narcissistic individual simply leaves the existing relationship for the new, younger, and more flashy individual.

Now, of course, one of the motivations that they engage in this is to gain supply. Youth, of course, youth and beauty are supply, and also bragging rights of parading a younger partner and even power and control that can be wielded having a partner at a younger development point.

But then this younger partner, she also delves into something about death for the narcissist, particularly if he is a narcissistic male, ’cause he gets to reproduce again, begin all over with the babies. It makes you wonder like you’re immortal, but we ain’t there yet, and no matter how many cold plunges you’ve got on your belt, you’re still gonna die.

But the notion of an Act Two for the narcissist and a fantasy or delusion of remaining young by getting a younger partner might cause them to ditch ship and leave you behind because you, their partner, aging together with them, won’t be so nice to them.

It’s a reminder that they’re aging too, and they sure as hell ain’t going to fix your broken hip or “Did you take your medication?” type of thing. Essentially, in the younger partner, they will also acquire a human being who brings, in the long run, the physicality to care for them.

Narcissists too, though, break up for all the same reasons that everyone breaks up a relationship. Perhaps they simply are not feeling it anymore. But since all relationships with narcissists are devoid of a certain depth, so too is the breakup. So then, when they do break up with us, however, it can really hurt because, more often than not, when a narcissist breaks up with us, they will just go get new supply immediately.

And we’re left wondering, “Are they going to change for the new supply?” or “What did this new supply have that I didn’t?” They don’t get anything; they just get new supply. They have surprise value. You once were also that surprise value. But if you think about it as supply and I always get you to remind yourself, you are so much larger than supply also remember that you might have also, as part of healing, chosen not to play their ground game anymore and have begun healing. And that is related to that fourth thing I said, which is you’re no longer playing their ground game.

And if that’s what shuts down your narcissistic relationship, then that is good. But when a relationship does shut down, and we’re not shutting it down, it does not feel nice. But do remember that the glue holding most narcissistic relationships together is poison, and maybe them ditching you is the biggest compliment and gift they could ever give you.

I know that might not necessarily comfort a shattered heart in the immediate moment, but it will in the end. And if they do dump you, you can spare yourself an entire universe of pain in terms of post-dumping cruelty and all the other frustrations. Hard to believe as it may be, hold on to it as the gift that it is.