In today’s discussion is a big one; why narcissists refuse to kiss their lovers. The point is: for the rest of us, a kiss isn’t just a peck on the lips. It’s a close thing, a bond, an expression of love. It gets out those feel-good hormones like oxytocin, which make us connect with those we love. But to narcissists, it’s usually something to be avoided something that, quite frankly, interferes with their picture of invincibility, perfection, and, naturally, superiority.
But why? Why would something as harmless and sincere as a kiss be so taboo for them? Well, buckle up, because the whys are a lot more complicated than you’d imagine.
1: The hygiene obsession fear of imperfection
Narcissists will push away a kiss due to a germ disease or, better still, perfectionism. This need to control their universe, right down to the small things of their appearance, has them draw back at the mere idea of a kiss. A kiss? Unkempt. A kiss reveals imperfections: bad breath, lipstick marks, perhaps even an out-of-place stray hair. And for a person whose entire sense of self depends upon maintaining perfect control, that is a horror. They cannot afford to break that slick veneer.
As Craig Malkin, author of Rethinking Narcissism, would put it, this is due to a deeper fear: vulnerability. Kissing is intimate. It shows too much, too soon, and the narcissist can’t handle it. It shows their imperfect side, and when they won’t show up imperfect, it prevents genuine emotional connection. No kiss equals no genuine affection, and no affection equals no danger of looking weak.
2: Entitlement affection as a one-way street
Ah, entitlement the game of choice for the narcissist. They feel they are owed love, attention, and admiration but on their terms, of course. Relationships are not fair partnerships to them; they’re a way of justifying ego stroking. They think love and affection is something they’re owed without reciprocation. That’s right they are owed affection, but don’t expect it to be returned.
Where love and physical affection are concerned, they’ll take but never give. This leaves their partners confused and hurting, always wondering why they’re not being treated as they willingly give themselves. The narcissist? No problem. Why should they ever have to give anything when, in their own mind, they’re the one doing all the worshipping, not giving?.
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3: Devaluation love as a commodity
This is how narcissists operate: they do not actually connect. They utilize relationships as tools. Initially, they idealize the partner they are with, fawning over them, making them feel like they are the center of the world. However, after months and years, that fascination disappears. Suddenly, their partner is no longer lovable. It’s not that the partner has evolved no, it’s that the narcissist can’t sustain the emotional maturity of a relationship. They just can’t continue to pretend to be in love.
This emotional change brings about what we term devaluation. Rather than sustaining intimacy, they distance, and one of the first things to go? Physical affection. Kissing? Forget it. This emotional distance is a survival strategy, a means of warding off vulnerability. When they’re not kissing anymore, it’s not only a kiss they’ve ceased to offer but the whole relationship they’re devaluing.
4: Jealousy, the delicate ego operating
Let us speak of insecurity. We all experience it, but for narcissists, it is a monster lurking in every encounter. If their partner is receiving attention in any way whether because of their arrogance, appearance, or achievements the narcissist becomes insecure. They perceive these traits as endangering the vulnerable self of theirs rather than something positive for the relationship. It is something that reminds them they’re not the center of the universe, and they can’t cope.
And what do they do instead? They withdraw affection. Kissing is weaponized. By denying their partner what they want, they attempt to get some control back. It’s a game of power. No kiss = they have the power. It’s their way of keeping the attention on them rather than letting their partner’s beauty or confidence take center stage.
5. Fear of attachment, vulnerability equals weakness
Kissing is a closeness experience emotional and physical closeness in one. And for the narcissist, that is terrifying. Emotional closeness intrudes into their desire to control, making them vulnerable. They prefer to have their lovers at arm’s length, never getting too close. This encompasses preventing deep conversation, sharing emotions, and yes, kissing.
As psychologist Dr. Les Carter describes, narcissists are afraid of emotional intimacy because it would confront them with their insecurity—a reality they will do almost anything to escape. Rather than savoring a kiss, therefore, they’ll step back and build some space between themselves and the other person. The narcissist remains closed off, and the partner is left wanting that contact, bewildered as to why affection is vanishing.
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6: Unrealistic expectations, the kiss that never passed the test
Narcissists don’t have high standards; they have impossibly high standards. They want their partner to be perfect, even for something as intimate as a kiss. “Your lips are not kissable enough,” they may complain. But it’s not your lips; it’s about them wanting to feel superior. It’s not about a feeling in the kiss; it’s about their need to feel in control.
Dr. Craig Malkin, in Rethinking Narcissism, describes how narcissists use these expectations to feel superior to everyone else. It’s a defense mechanism. By putting down their partner, they’re still the ones in charge. And what becomes of the partner in the process? Rejection. They lose their sense of self-worth and are left thinking about where they failed, as the narcissist basks in their power. It’s just one more way they manage to keep themselves in the driver’s seat and their partner questioning everything.
7: Attention seeking, the power play of emotional withholding
Oh, the soap opera of the narcissist. Just consider: they exist to have their lovers plead for intimacy. Why? Because it satisfies their insatiable hunger for control and attention. When they withhold affection, they place themselves firmly in charge, luxuriating in the warmth of their self-proclaimed superiority. Their lover’s desire? To the narcissist, an ego-stroking trophy a reminder of their centrality and status at all times.
It’s a exhausting, dizzying loop. The narcissist creates a game where their lover is always striving to earn their love, rendering love something they must be worthy of. Each kiss, each intimate moment, is another instance to repeat the loop. Fact, but come on: this game leaves the partner hungry for emotional fulfillment and always wanting more. The narcissist? They bask in their superiority, letting their partner struggle with frustration and unrequited desire.
8: Emotional blackmail, love as a currency
Love is meant to be a freely given gift, isn’t it? But in the narcissist’s world, love is something one gives only when it is in their best interest to do so. It’s not about creating a relationship; it’s about control. Love is something to be dispensed as a reward for good behavior, something to use, to manipulate, to get the partner to dance on demand in order to earn the narcissist’s approval.
This, friends, is emotional blackmail. Holding back affection like a kiss is a controlling action to exert control. Dr. Susan Forward, author of Emotional Blackmail, describes how this dynamic puts the partner in limbo, always seeking approval. And meanwhile, the narcissist is firmly in control the puppeteer in their sinister waltz.
9: Emotional affairs, elsewhere diversion of affection
The emotional attention of most narcissists is already taken up, as it were, by another person. Enter emotional affairs. Emotional affairs are not about seeking validation; they’re about maintaining their inflated ego while their partner feels irrelevant, rejected, and utterly unnecessary.
Dr. Shirley Glass, in Not Just Friends, states that emotional affairs are as harmful as physical ones. They build intimacy that is best reserved for the partner, but the narcissist diverts emotional energy to someone else. The instrument of choice is triangulation and the introduction of a third party so that insecurity, jealousy, and competition can be created. While the narcissist enjoys this manipulation, the partner is stuck attempting to gain their attention and cannot escape the emotional manipulation of the narcissist.
10: Hyper masculinity, emotional detachment as a badge of honor
Some narcissists especially those with hyper-masculinity view kissing, and other expressions of love, as a sign of weakness. Hyper-masculinity places values of dominance, control, and stoic emotional detachment which make tenderness and vulnerability utterly unacceptable. Kissing is, to them, not just a kiss; it’s a blow to their carefully constructed image of invincibility.
Terrence Real, a renowned therapist, delineates that men brought up on these rules repress vulnerability because they equate it with loss of control. In narcissists, the repression is carried to its extreme. Emotional openness of any kind is felt as loss of control, and therefore, intimacy such as kissing is shunned under all circumstances. Ultimately, this leaves their partner feeling emotionally rejected, hungering for contact, yet trapped in a one-way relationship where the narcissist maintains control.
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