One of the most common emotions you can experience is anger. When I say “common,” I mean it’s something that arises whether we want it to or not. Sometimes it comes out loudly and aggressively. Other times, it may be more subdued manifesting as frustration, annoyance, irritability, or agitation. You don’t necessarily act on it or let it take over, but it’s there. It’s important to understand that anger is not an abnormal emotion. The reality is, we live in a broken world. Disappointments, disillusionment, confusion, and times when you feel permanently misunderstood are inevitable, and that’s when this emotion can surface.
In healthy relationships or with emotionally healthy individuals, it’s possible to manage anger constructively. This is called assertiveness, and it’s a key part of maintaining boundaries. You can express your needs in a way that allows everyone to walk away with their dignity intact.
With narcissists, however, anger is handled differently. Narcissists possess a complicated mix of traits that prevent them from processing anger in a healthy way. Many of you who have lived with someone who exhibits strong narcissistic tendencies whether in your family, with a partner, or a coworker know that these individuals often have significant anger issues. They have a strong need for control, a sense of entitlement, and a need to feel superior. Their low levels of empathy make them prone to explosive rages when their anger surfaces.
There are a couple of ways this anger can manifest. Sometimes the rage is loud and violent. They may make threats, accusations, commands, and insults. They might shout, scream, and occasionally escalate to physical aggression. Other times, their rage is more silent. Perhaps they’ve already displayed loud anger, but they still aren’t done. So, they resort to contempt, refusing to engage with you, holding grudges, or using passive-aggressive tactics. This might include punishing withdrawal.
Whether the rage is loud or silent, it’s clear that narcissists are highly sensitive. When you attempt to engage with them or discuss ways to improve the situation, it usually triggers their rage again. But what’s going on beneath the surface? Why does this happen?
It’s important to understand the underlying psychology of a narcissist’s rage because, in their eyes, “the problem is you.” But in reality, you’re dealing with someone who has deep internal issues. The real problem lies within them, but they want you to believe it’s your fault, so maintaining objectivity is crucial. I want to highlight four reasons why narcissists are prone to rage.
1. Narcissists refuse to examine their own internal pain and hurt.
The reason they cause pain to others is because they carry it within themselves. You can’t give away something you don’t already possess, and narcissists possess a lot of unresolved pain. Their early experiences may have led them to believe that opening up to others or making mistakes would result in rejection or punishment. As a result, they likely experienced victimization at some point. But instead of processing this pain, they generalize it, assuming that anyone who comes along will treat them the same way. This makes them quick to react defensively. If someone disagrees with them, they expect the situation to play out just like their past experiences, transferring their unresolved pain onto you.
2. They believe that power especially power over you is the best way to solve their internal pain.
In their mind, their pain is a result of others having power over them, and they want to reverse that dynamic. They think, “If I can control you, I will feel less miserable.” It doesn’t make sense, but to them, it’s their way of coping. Their goal is to dominate and control you to restore a sense of power and superiority.
3. Their rage allows them to feel superior.
Of course, this sense of superiority is false, as it’s only temporary. Narcissists crave superiority as a defense against their deep feelings of inadequacy. They need someone to be the “designated loser,” and that often ends up being you. This could also extend to entire groups of people they may dismiss people they see as inferior: “those people,” “this group,” or “people who think or act this way.” Narcissists fail to understand the “significance paradox” true significance comes from helping others feel significant, not by diminishing them. But they believe superiority is the way to feel important.
4. Admitting any form of culpability is attached to great shame.
For a narcissist, admitting fault would mean confronting shame a feeling they’ve experienced repeatedly in their lives. They believe, “I won’t let anyone shame me again, so I’ll be the one to inflict it on others.” This is a learned behavior, and to them, it’s a game. They’re determined to come out on top.
Narcissistic rage, whether loud or silent, is offensive in its nature, but it’s also a defense mechanism. It’s their way of saying, “If I can come across as strong and powerful, you’ll see me as someone to be reckoned with.” They don’t want you to see their true selves, especially their vulnerabilities and wounds. In their defensiveness, they’re implying, “I’m too weak to be fair-minded, and I’m far too damaged to admit it.” But they don’t see it that way.
Understanding the elements of a narcissist’s rage is essential for maintaining objectivity. Keep in mind that to the narcissist, goodwill is seen as a weakness. They believe that bringing you down elevates them. It’s like a seesaw when you’re up, they’re down. They step off the seesaw and watch you crash. This pessimism is so ingrained in them that it prevents them from practicing self-restraint. They’re impulsive, assuming the worst before they even process a situation. Their sense of self-importance is a mask for their self-loathing, and they hate having their flaws exposed. To avoid this, they go on the offensive, even if it’s ultimately defensive.
Additionally, narcissists have strong opinions, but little wisdom. Their rage reveals a lack of psychological competence they may see it as a coping mechanism, but it’s far from effective. They don’t think ahead and have no common sense when it comes to their behavior.
As you observe these patterns, you’ll realize that narcissists are not free. They’re bound by their internal tensions. They may claim to be “their own person,” but don’t be fooled they are still imprisoned by their past experiences. This makes them difficult, if not miserable, to live with. Their conscience is underdeveloped, and despite their outward moral self-righteousness, their moral compass is narrow and rigid.
While you may think, “Raging at someone isn’t a way to win friends or influence people,” the narcissist believes, “It works for me.” Remember, you can’t reason with an unreasonable person. No matter how much they insist, it’s important to realize that their rage isn’t your fault. It’s a reflection of the immense pain they carry inside.
When figuring out how to deal with them, think individually, not cooperatively. While cooperation can be ideal, with a narcissist, you need to prioritize your own well-being separate from theirs. This means setting boundaries, defining who you are, and following through on your priorities. It’s also essential to stay open with people you trust. Sometimes, you need someone to remind you that your perspective is valid, especially when the narcissist invalidates everything you say.
Narcissists are prone to destructive anger, and they can rage in a variety of ways. But remember, you don’t have to let them control your pace. You can be steady and healthy, even if you’re dealing with them. Keep your sense of peace and commitment to maintaining your own boundaries.
